September 6th, 2007

Hong Kong is astonishing. Dont quote me but a friend of ours who lives here said there were over 6 million people that live on the island. Mind you that Hong Kong island is probably 10 - 20 miles across each direction. If you want a visual imagine NYC x 3. The place is absolute chaos. I couldnt live here ever never never not once for all the money in the world. It drives me absolutley crazy. Nick loves it. Normal. We walk outside and you bump into every third person, nobody speaks english, incompetence levels are at all time highs, the elevator takes 32 seconds to get to the 16th floor (another pet peeve), and only two of the elevtators (out of the three) go to the roof. So get this. theres 31 damn floors. You get in the elevator and by the time it closes and starts moving, you realize that the roof floor isnt available (the floor which holds the pool, spa, gym, etc.) Thats how you know your not in America. Because nobody in the US is dumb enough to make such a moronic system. Elevators tilt me btw. Elevators and airports. Bajunky level 8. I know i said it was only airports but its not its elevators and incompetence and airports. GDDDDDDD okay breathe. Anyways, now for the fun stuff... Upon arriving Nick and I do what we always do, room service and movies. We both order fish, eat, dont die and thats all we could ask for after speaking with the morons on room service. The phone says "room service # 7." So naturally I push 7. The lady says something in chinese and i start ordering. If you've ever been out to eat with us you know we order EVERYTHing and I literally mean everything. So im 1/2 way through the menu and the girl stops me and says this isnt room service and she transfers me to another department. Tilt ensues. Looking for recovery we go to the TV. After flipping through the channels, we find nothing. We go to movies. Nothing. You know whats next.

"Hey Nick, you think they have porn in english"
"No bro its def Chinese."
"I'll bet they have English for 1,000."
"Booked."
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE what a moron. I knew I him. What he didnt know (and probably never will cause he doenst read my posts being that he's with me traveling and doenst need to be filled in on whats happneing) is that I made this bet in several other countries and I always win. Its such a good bet. Everywhere you go theres porn in english. There is however porn in other languages, but that doenst mean they dont have english. So the key is to phrase the bet so that as long as there is ANY ENGLISH porn you win. This is fairly easy to do being that your OUTSIDE the US so you simply say, "hey do you think they have any porn in english."
the moron (in this case nick) is going to reply "no, its in (whatever country your in's language) and then you simply take the bet.
*** notice how my phrasing only implies that they have porn in english, the fact that there is chinese porn is completely irrevelent.***
Okay this gets intersting so I hope your sitting down. We proceed to the porn category to see who will win bet. However its all in Chinese writing. We attempt to click on it, order it, buy it, watch it, preview it and do just about everything that the little remote will allow. Nothing. After about 10 mintues of failure I realize we have but one option. We have to call the front desk. I pick up the phone and press 0
"alkjdfl;kj;yh4ewirhedc sdl;kgj;erlteh (thats chinese fyi)
"Um..... no thanks front desk please...
"sdlkafjl;tkewr;sdlfkjasd" (more chinese)
I wait and hope. Seconds later.
"Hello how can I help you."
"Hi, the porn on our TV doenst work."
"You try order movie."
"yes the porn specifically it doenst work."
"you press buy."
(no i just stared at the TV and hoped i'd see a massive orgy) "Yes it doenst work.)
"I send someone up."
He didnt speak english well but enough to converse and understand wtf i was saying. I was happy. A few minutes later a technecian or something of that nature appears. He tries tries tries but to no avail. About 10 minutes into his attempts we get a phone call. Its the front desk. They inform me that they are sending someone else up b/c he knows what the problem is. THe hotel manager soon appears. "Jesus what did we get ourselves into," I thought. He informs us that we cannot order porn unless we go downstairs and make a depsoit. All the other movies are available, but if you want to jack off you have to walk downstairs, pre pay and have a 10 minute converstaion about what movie you want to watch. Sounds about right. Welcome to Hong Kong. You could imagine the scene. Some business man gets in from a 17 hour flight w/ 2 layovers and wants to have a "quiet" night to himself. After turning off all the lights, getting in bed and warming up he realizes his problem. Of course he hardly speaks any chinese so he has to go through the whole process we did (excpet he's acutally using the porn for porn and not for a prop bet). Tilted beyond words, he waits for his boner to decrease, gets dressed and heads downstairs for a nice little chat w/ the front desk. No wonder the hotel had so many rooms left. Some of you are still wondering who won. Well, obviously I headed down there and made that deposit (100 HK dollars.. the exchange rate it 7.5:1 so around 14 US) and sure enough, next to the five chinese titles they had american porn. I dont even know the title or anything but it was definately in english. As a matter of fact after all that we didnt even watch it. I dont really care and never feel bad about investing a little 10 dollars to win a large bet, however after all the effort I felt cheated for not watching. Oh well. I wish you could have been here to see how hard we were laughing as the manager of the hotel was in our room trying to order porn. Definately not something you see everyday. Lastly, I sure as hell hope you enjoyed this post cause now that I think about it im probably losing 5 - 10k lifetime by posting this. Now none of you are going to bet with me while in a foreign country. If I didnt just spend the last twenty minutes typing this I probably wouldnt have said anything now im tilted. Dammit I feel like I just lost 5k. We all know what that means... Time for some Chinese Poker!